When you’re ready to have your floor peed on.
Take a look at your calendar and circle some dates that look like a good time to start having your floor peed on. How about your couch? The floor of your closet? Your piano bench? Get creative with your surfaces because your toddler certainly will. That cute entry way rug? Nothing is off limits.
When you’re ready to stop buying nice things.
When you’re ready to be even more late to stuff.
Your toddler will absolutely wait until you are all jacketed up and juuuuuust ready to get all the little people in the car before declaring that this is the moment they would like to try to go #2. And you’ve just got to smile and consent and be super chill about it and not freak about about not being on time to any daytime activity for the forseeable future.
When you’ve given a good thought on how to deep clean your car.
After you’ve Googled products that get the pee smell out of your upholstery, you’re almost there.
When you don’t feel like you’re doing enough laundry.
Not enough laundry in your life? Potty training is here for you. Not regular laundry, mind you, but tiny ridiculous loads of laundry that consist of a pair of pants, a stuffed animal, and a single sock.
When you feel like your life doesn’t have enough emotional ups and downs.
Things in your parenting world are just too stable and you clearly need a few more domestic challenges and moments to practice your deep zen breathing. Enter potty training.
When you’re ready to face your biggest fear: having your kid pee on the seat of a Target shopping cart.
The fear is always there, lurking, haunting your clearance aisle nightmares.
When you’re ready for all your life’s prior accomplishments and successes to be diminished down to nothing.
Potty training doesn’t care who you are. It doesn’t care what you’ve done. It doesn’t care about your fancy degrees or your job skills or your ability to multitask. All it wants to do is get you into a bathroom and reduce you to a blubbering pile of uselessness in front of your toddler.
When you’re ready to have some really irrational thoughts.
Thoughts like, “I will be buying pull-ups for the next ten years” and “my kid will never poop on a toilet” while on the surface sound ridiculous, but in the moment of potty training insanity will seem perfectly logical. It’s simply never going to happen and you’ll just have to show up at kindergarten explaining to your kid’s teachers that somewhere things in potty training land went horribly, terribly wrong and it wasn’t for lack of trying but you gave it your best shot. Thoughts like that.
When you’re ready to experience victory as you’ve never experienced it before.
The first time your kid independently uses the potty? A tear may spring to your eye as you collapse onto the floor at the sheer wonder of the whole painful process which has now produced this moment of independence for you and your child. You’ll be thankful for all of the hard work you put in together, and you’ll be extra super glad that you’re not potty training twins. (If you are potty training twins, by all means make yourself known to this community so we can acknowledge you in public with respect you deserve. Holy cow. You are the true miracle workers here).